The Rove Head

Date: February 14, 2016 Time: 0830 EST President Jenna Bush hurries into the oval office. There is pandemonium as she never wakes before noon. "Mrs. President, I'm glad you are here!" She is greeted by Secretary of State, Brittany Spears who looks smart in her latest Cartier mini-skirt and bright pink halter top. Bright silver earrings dangle from her ears and bang gently against a freshly botox treated face. "What's going on? I was having a horrible nightmare," the President continues, "the entire Continent of Africanastan was covered with this thick black stuff, people were dying of some horrible disease, it was just like.. awful!" She slumps in her chair, rolls her eyes and pouts. "Uh, Mrs. President," chimes in Secretary of Defense L'il Romeo, "yo! That was yesterday's headline in the FOX-Murka Sun Times Post Dispatch. I showed it to you before you went to bed, after that last martini." "Oh, DUH!" She smacks herself in the head with her palm and giggles, "Now I remember! So, like, why did you wake me so early? You know I can't function until sometime around noon, after my bloody mary and my beer, and my Jerry Springer, Jr." "Mrs. President, this is serious!" Mrs. Spears speaks up, "We have a problem in Massachusetts. There is a small uprising of liberal insurgents! With all of our troops in Africanastan dying from the sulfur dioxide clouds; combat fighting; and the AIDS II epidemic we don't have enough to fight them! Plus we have word that the oil supplies are running out, so we are about to run out of fuel for military vehicles." "Yo! This mean nuttin' but a big blue-azz state to me, Mizz Prez," said L'il. The giant gold ExxonMobilShellBPChevronTexaco emblem around his neck shifts to the left causing him to fall off his chair. "Oh my god! I look like totally horrible in blue. Wasn't that like the color of Monica Lewinski's dress?" The President asked, who is again pouting. "Uh, yes," said Mrs. Spears, "which reminds me, should we send a card and flowers to congratulate the Clinton-Lewinsky's on the birth of their new grandchildren?" "Like not now! We have to do something about this! I've got it! Let's ask Karl, he's was daddy's right hand." The President yells, "To the situation room!" The three intrepid leaders scurry through the halls, then embark on a long, downward elevator ride. They then wander through a labyrinth of dark, musty halls lit only by dim fluorescent bulbs overhead. They come to a door. A computer voice greets them. "Please provide access code." Jenna steps forward, "Like, Budweiser, duh?" The door opens and replies, "like, three people entering." There, atop an altar like perch, surrounded by burning crude oil candles, is a the head of Karl Rove, preserved and lifelike, contained in a simple Mason jar. The two underlings step back and immediately fall to the ground, bowing before The Rove Head. Jenna approaches. "Oh, great and wise Rove Head, what do we do? Ohmigosh! Like the democrats are starting to rise up! We've already illegalized gay marriage; outlawed abortion; used up most all the oil; taken over most of Africanastan. What else can we do? What can we do?! I'm, like, so scared!" She started to cry and mutters, "If only daddy were here, he'd take care of me." She starts to stand up to walk away. The ground begins to tremble, Jenna falls to the ground, the horrible eyes of the contained beast open and The Rove Head begins to speak in a voice as loud as thunder! "Jenna, you were wise to come to me! I have a plan, I know it will work, as I have helped the Bush family conquer America and occupy the once Middle East to beccome Africanastan. As with your granddaddy to George to uncle Jeb and now you, I shall impart my wisdom." TO BE CONTINUED