Sunday, December 28, 2008

Into Tomorrow, Yesterday

The end of 2008 has marked the end of a difficult period for humanity. We have witnessed demoralization and indifference in ways I never imagined would exist in my lifetime. The class and social warfare that has been perpetrated upon us has left in its wake a devastating legacy of bankruptcies, foreclosures, unemployment, despair, poverty, and general discontent. The collective consciousness of the earth has been left enervated and devoid of its very divinity.
This seemingly out of control spiral into a common insanity originates within each person that has and ever will spend time living on earth. The causes cannot be determined solely by looking at the mundane. We cannot find the root of that which is perceived as evil by finding blame in the world around us. Presidential administrations; corporations; dictators and despots; crime; drugs; racism; inequality; persecution all can be part of a larger picture. The ills caused by these conditions are symptoms of that which we all collectively share, a common belief that this is the normal state of existence.

The collective disorder is part of each person and is passed on from one generation to the next. Each person that has endured an injustice passes that pain onto the next generation. This does not usually occur consciously. As an example, I'll cite the gay rights movement and start with my own experiences. When I was a boy, I knew I liked other males. This was not a decision I made, but simply was what it was. I never really fought it, but knew from societal cues, that I would be best to not share this part of my life with anyone else. This was during the 1970's. I knew nothing of the generations of men and women that lived in fear of imprisonment and ridicule for the crime of being homosexual. I knew nothing of the brave men and women that took a stand on that evening of June 27, 1969, at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, thus giving birth to the modern gay rights movement. What I did know what the pain of many before me that suffered for just being who they are and therefore being easy fodder for those that would use fear to separate one from another.

When I reflect upon my youth, I led a rather “normal” life. I went to school; played well with others; and avoided any confrontations by keeping my “secret” to myself; save for a few trusted friends and family members. Some of the friends I knew were frightened and even angry at their own homosexuality and this perplexed me. I could never understand the concept of self-loathing for any reason. I never made a major production when I would “come-out” to a friend or family member. In fact, I usually said it is what it is and I'm not different then the person you knew five seconds ago before I told you this. Somehow, I believe this approach made my revelation easier to digest by the recipient. Truthfully, I just happened to be in the company of some rather accepting and enlightened people that cared more about me that about what I did as a matter of private discourse. Nevertheless, I still looked around, outside of my comfort zone, and saw the cruelty of others. I would read about others who were the victims of ridicule; injury; or even death, just for being gay. The collective pain was still in me.

This collective pain of which I speak crosses not only the areas of sexual preference, but also gender; race; religion; and social class. Over the existence of humanity unscrupulous people in power would cleverly use our very differences to divide us. The rule is simple, keep the masses in their own internal conflicts and power is secure at the top. By the end of the 1960's and into the early 1970's people began to see through the machinations of our own learned mind-sets and into the single humanity we all share. The civil rights movement was broader than race, as it led to a tidal wave of common demands for the unconditional equal and just treatment of all people.

The 1980's would be an enormous blow to the triumphs of civil rights and equality. A re-emergence of the fear based ideology was again taking hold. AIDS made it easy to once again blame homosexuals and drug users for many of society's ills. The evangelical movement in the late 1970's found a cozy home with politics and injected it's brand of morality into society. Truly we moved backward into a time never seen, but romanticized in wholesome images of 1950's families watching TV together while dad smoked a pipe. From what my father told me, there was little of that in the 1950's. This regression of social policy intensified as the 1980's came to idolize garish wealth and greed as the way to personal fulfillment. The new ideology was “if it doesn't affect me, why should I care”. And so went a decade. For me it was a fun time, I was in high school. I hadn't encountered any of the harsh realities of ridicule for being gay; nor did I perceive any racism, sexism, or social injustice around me. What I hadn't yet realized is that the reason I didn't see these things is because my mind was of the collective ideal that everything is good as long as I don't feel bad. Such was the era of Reaganomics.

The events that would take us through the 1990's and into today are all repeats of the past three decades. Pointless wars; oil prices out of control; social injustice; socially engineered prejudice; poverty; drugs; greed; and despair all can be seen over and over again. Why do we allow this to continue when most people want a fair and equitable world? It is because we all have agreed, usually unconsciously, that this is the way things are. We have decided in our minds that we are merely products of the past and pawns for the future but give little credence to what is now. This is the very existence of our common pain. We have allowed our very humanity to be subjugated with ideology. I'll use a simple example to make this point. Take a $20 bill and a $5 bill and place them on the table in front of you. Then ask yourself a simple question. What makes the $20 worth more than the $5? Undoubtedly you will come to a conclusion involving market forces, the numbers on the bills, or that if you go to the store one buys more or less than the other. The truth is they are both worth little more than the ink and paper upon which they are printed, and even that “worth” is dubious. The only reason one is more valuable than the other is that because of collective agreement we have made it so.

This concept of collective agreement isn't harmful in the case of money but can have serious consequence in the case of war or in the perpetration of social justice. In a war scenario, the leaders that desire the war begin beating their drums and developing the “us versus them” that will allow the war to be justified. What can possible justify killing thousands, if not millions of people? In the case of social justice one can create the idea that all people that make less than a certain amount per year are the cause of crime and burden to society because they don't pay their share of taxes and are often assisted by Federal and State programs. Do you think this is impossible? Let's never forget Ronald Reagan's “Welfare Queen” comment thus putting a valuable social resource in jeopardy.

The way out of this collective mind set is to be aware of your own self. That part of you that is divine humanity. This divinity supersedes mere thoughts. I cannot think so little of myself that I can be defined by a few thoughts and words cobbled together during my brief existence on earth, and neither should you. The hope exists in that the same collective pain can become collective peace. We see this in certain individuals like Mother Theresa; Rev. Martin Luther King; Ghandi; and so on. When one person gives of that inner self, that place within them that has peace and joy, it spreads to those ready to receive it. Don't believe me? Think of how you felt when you voted this year. Think of the collective sigh of relief felt when it was announced that Barack Obama would be the 44th President of the United States of America.

Humanity is facing some of its toughest challenges. We will either evolve or perish. To evolve in this case is to step out of the collective agreement that has caused us so much pain and leave behind the insanity of the yesterday. If mankind persists in treating the earth with impunity there will be nothing remaining for the future. More people have perished at the hands of others than through any natural disasters. We have the power to make the changes that we know must be done. We may be too frightened to step out of the comfort zone of our own mind dominated existence, but we must. The same minds that bring beauty into the world through art, literature, music and so on; also bring crime, murder, war, poison, pollution, hunger, and poverty.

I truly believe that humanity has an opportunity to rise to the occasion of real change. This isn't the political changes espoused by the last Presidential campaign; but the internal evolution that involves recognition of our own humanity and by default that of all others. No one person is not going to rid us of racism, for example, that's up to every person. It is time to lay down the mental swords that exists in our thoughts as one against another because of physical difference. This responsibility is not on any one race of people, but on all people. We have to rise about the constant chatter of daily life and see the divinity in our fellow man.

Into tomorrow we will inevitably stumble, that is a given. We can take the lessons from yesterday and try to make tomorrow better, however, as we see this thinking will fail as we are doomed to repeat the sins of the past. The most effective way to make tomorrow better and have a fondness for yesterday is to live today. This moment is the only moment that matters as it is the only moment you have. You are greater than the person you think you are; as you are much more that a compilation of thoughts. Make the most of you.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Where The Hell Have I Been?

Greetings! It's been some time since I've captured your attention and inhabited your thoughts. There is so much to cover over the past twenty-two (22) months, but I promise to keep it concise. There will be parts where I go by each month or group several together. Without further adoo:

2007

February

With much help from several of my friends I moved into my new abode. The freedom it afforded me was glorious. I had sparse furnishings but big dreams. I was most happy when I was finally able to share this joy by having my mother over for a brief visit. It's always a nervous moment introducing parents to anything new. My mom always had a tendency to give both sides of all change, often focusing on the "what if" or negative scenario. This time she was only happy for me.

March

This is the month the clouds moved in. By the end of March my mother had, after a long battle with cancer, moved on from this earth. Her death was sudden and took my brother and I by surprise. She shared with no one how sick she really was. The day in February, when she visited my place, I accompanied her to an appointment with her doctor. I could tell then that the cancer was prevalent throughout her lungs. She denied it as we drove home. I felt it best to agree with her that there was nothing out of the ordinary. It was an unspoken agreement we shared. Mom wanted to live her time as she chose, and I would not stand in her way. It was my last gift to her, peace.

I remember her last day as if it were right now. The most vital part of the day, however, was at night in the hospital. I remember my Uncle saying that is was sort of "morbid" for all of us to be waiting around. You see, by this point, we knew her time was near. This conversation was added to the swirling thoughts already in my head as I had a prior conversation with my friend Dawn regarding death. She recounted how her Mother was in a similar state, live but in the alleged euphoric state of being under the influence of morphine. It was during this time that relatives and loved ones were always by her side. It wasn't until they gave her Mother time alone that she was able to let go and be in peace. The next part was the hardest for me.

I approached my mother's siblings (my brother had gone back home because he was exhausted from a very long day) and told them. "You know we have all had a chance to rest, but Mom hasn't. I think we should go home and give her that chance." At first they argued that she would want them there by her side. I said nothing but it only took a moment for the words to sink it. We all agreed to leave. I was the last to say goodbye. Two hours later the hospital called and Mom had finally gone to her final rest. Oddly, soon before my phone rang from the hospital I felt her say goodbye to me. Mom and I always had a special connection and now it had evolved into one more etheral.

I quickly took on the responsibility of managing the affairs of her estate. My brother and I agreed to this, and I'm happy we did. I could tell that her passing was somehow even more devastating to him than me. You see, my brother has the "real" family. He has a wife and a son, or from Mom's perspective, grandson. The layers of loss he felt must have been crushing and I didn't want him bothered with having to make decisions that on the surface may appear detached from the death of Mom. My attention was focused on the business of the estate, I would mourn much, much later.

April

The clouds were drifting away. I was able to pull together a kick-ass housewarming, complete with a well-furnished condo and new kitchen appliances. This was for me a celebration of my Mother's life. You see, it was from inheritance that I was able to share this time with my dearest friends. I had almost 40 people here. The housewarming was truly one of the happiest days of my life. It was truly yang-yin. The sharing of my home and good fortune brought on by the loss of one so dear to me.

May - August

This time was pretty much business as usual. I spent time with friends, ate, drank and was quite merry. Then came September.

September

Nine days into this month I would turn forty (40). I decided to throw a party. I didn't really want to necessarily have a birthday party, but just wanted my friends by my side. What a party it was! Then, one week later, my friends Vincent and Dwayne kept their promise to take me to dinner at the Helmand, a lovely Afghani restaurant in Baltimore. Much to my surprise when I arrived it was an actual birthday celebration for me, with many of my friends, even some from the party the week before in attendance! I was so moved by this act and it would mark the very last time I remember crying.

October - December

I don't remember much of this time period except that I had a very nice Thanksgiving dinner with ten (10) of us in attendance. This was the first "dinner party" I had at my place and it was so warm and wonderful. I was beginning to mourn the loss of my mother. I had no interest in family. This is not because I don't care about them, but I couldn't bear hearing anyone speak of my Mother (or Father). I know that every time the family gets together someone has to bring up "I wish (your) dad/mom were here" or "I know how much you miss them". The truth is no one has any idea how much I do miss them, and I don't care to share that. The pain is too deep for me to bear.

2008

January - Today

This year is so fresh in my thoughts, or at least what's left of my enervated mind, that I'll compress it into a few paragraphs.

I began the year by starting a Talent Management business. I had a business partner, but that didn't work out very well. So the business is still in existence, but not much is happening with it right now. We started off with such enthusiasm, but that waned over the course of the year and after spending thousands of dollars to no avail. I am still pursuing it, but only from a different angle and with different associates.

I also decided that I wanted to become and independent consultant for my "daytime" occupation as a budget analyst for the Federal government. I tried to negotiate this with my then employer, but we couldn't come to terms.

I was crestfallen. I really needed this opportunity to manage my own destiny. Finally a white-knight came to my rescue. Actually he's an Indian-American knight, and was willing to use my services as an independent consultant under his company. This decision has been a bit scary, but I can't complain now that I'm now better off financially.

This year so far has been rather "bland". I haven't spent much time with my friends; haven't seen my family since the passing of my mother; had a falling out with a cousin I truly love; and, had to make some rash decisions regarding my Talent Management business. This was also the year I learned how to truly understand the intentions of people. I've had far too many disappointments with humanity. I've done my best in realizing that all is temporary, so I think I'll finish off this year pretty well.

I guess this is a good time to offer apologies to my friends and loved ones for being so distant. I've meant not to hurt anyone. I've really just been trying to make all the adjustments to my life so that I can come out of this "funk" relatively unscathed. Either way, my mourning continues, not just for the loss of Mom, but also for the other losses and disappointments that have come this year, however I have yet to cry.