Greetings! It's been some time since I've captured your attention and inhabited your thoughts. There is so much to cover over the past twenty-two (22) months, but I promise to keep it concise. There will be parts where I go by each month or group several together. Without further adoo:
2007
February
With much help from several of my friends I moved into my new abode. The freedom it afforded me was glorious. I had sparse furnishings but big dreams. I was most happy when I was finally able to share this joy by having my mother over for a brief visit. It's always a nervous moment introducing parents to anything new. My mom always had a tendency to give both sides of all change, often focusing on the "what if" or negative scenario. This time she was only happy for me.
March
This is the month the clouds moved in. By the end of March my mother had, after a long battle with cancer, moved on from this earth. Her death was sudden and took my brother and I by surprise. She shared with no one how sick she really was. The day in February, when she visited my place, I accompanied her to an appointment with her doctor. I could tell then that the cancer was prevalent throughout her lungs. She denied it as we drove home. I felt it best to agree with her that there was nothing out of the ordinary. It was an unspoken agreement we shared. Mom wanted to live her time as she chose, and I would not stand in her way. It was my last gift to her, peace.
I remember her last day as if it were right now. The most vital part of the day, however, was at night in the hospital. I remember my Uncle saying that is was sort of "morbid" for all of us to be waiting around. You see, by this point, we knew her time was near. This conversation was added to the swirling thoughts already in my head as I had a prior conversation with my friend Dawn regarding death. She recounted how her Mother was in a similar state, live but in the alleged euphoric state of being under the influence of morphine. It was during this time that relatives and loved ones were always by her side. It wasn't until they gave her Mother time alone that she was able to let go and be in peace. The next part was the hardest for me.
I approached my mother's siblings (my brother had gone back home because he was exhausted from a very long day) and told them. "You know we have all had a chance to rest, but Mom hasn't. I think we should go home and give her that chance." At first they argued that she would want them there by her side. I said nothing but it only took a moment for the words to sink it. We all agreed to leave. I was the last to say goodbye. Two hours later the hospital called and Mom had finally gone to her final rest. Oddly, soon before my phone rang from the hospital I felt her say goodbye to me. Mom and I always had a special connection and now it had evolved into one more etheral.
I quickly took on the responsibility of managing the affairs of her estate. My brother and I agreed to this, and I'm happy we did. I could tell that her passing was somehow even more devastating to him than me. You see, my brother has the "real" family. He has a wife and a son, or from Mom's perspective, grandson. The layers of loss he felt must have been crushing and I didn't want him bothered with having to make decisions that on the surface may appear detached from the death of Mom. My attention was focused on the business of the estate, I would mourn much, much later.
April
The clouds were drifting away. I was able to pull together a kick-ass housewarming, complete with a well-furnished condo and new kitchen appliances. This was for me a celebration of my Mother's life. You see, it was from inheritance that I was able to share this time with my dearest friends. I had almost 40 people here. The housewarming was truly one of the happiest days of my life. It was truly yang-yin. The sharing of my home and good fortune brought on by the loss of one so dear to me.
May - August
This time was pretty much business as usual. I spent time with friends, ate, drank and was quite merry. Then came September.
September
Nine days into this month I would turn forty (40). I decided to throw a party. I didn't really want to necessarily have a birthday party, but just wanted my friends by my side. What a party it was! Then, one week later, my friends Vincent and Dwayne kept their promise to take me to dinner at the Helmand, a lovely Afghani restaurant in Baltimore. Much to my surprise when I arrived it was an actual birthday celebration for me, with many of my friends, even some from the party the week before in attendance! I was so moved by this act and it would mark the very last time I remember crying.
October - December
I don't remember much of this time period except that I had a very nice Thanksgiving dinner with ten (10) of us in attendance. This was the first "dinner party" I had at my place and it was so warm and wonderful. I was beginning to mourn the loss of my mother. I had no interest in family. This is not because I don't care about them, but I couldn't bear hearing anyone speak of my Mother (or Father). I know that every time the family gets together someone has to bring up "I wish (your) dad/mom were here" or "I know how much you miss them". The truth is no one has any idea how much I do miss them, and I don't care to share that. The pain is too deep for me to bear.
2008
January - Today
This year is so fresh in my thoughts, or at least what's left of my enervated mind, that I'll compress it into a few paragraphs.
I began the year by starting a Talent Management business. I had a business partner, but that didn't work out very well. So the business is still in existence, but not much is happening with it right now. We started off with such enthusiasm, but that waned over the course of the year and after spending thousands of dollars to no avail. I am still pursuing it, but only from a different angle and with different associates.
I also decided that I wanted to become and independent consultant for my "daytime" occupation as a budget analyst for the Federal government. I tried to negotiate this with my then employer, but we couldn't come to terms.
I was crestfallen. I really needed this opportunity to manage my own destiny. Finally a white-knight came to my rescue. Actually he's an Indian-American knight, and was willing to use my services as an independent consultant under his company. This decision has been a bit scary, but I can't complain now that I'm now better off financially.
This year so far has been rather "bland". I haven't spent much time with my friends; haven't seen my family since the passing of my mother; had a falling out with a cousin I truly love; and, had to make some rash decisions regarding my Talent Management business. This was also the year I learned how to truly understand the intentions of people. I've had far too many disappointments with humanity. I've done my best in realizing that all is temporary, so I think I'll finish off this year pretty well.
I guess this is a good time to offer apologies to my friends and loved ones for being so distant. I've meant not to hurt anyone. I've really just been trying to make all the adjustments to my life so that I can come out of this "funk" relatively unscathed. Either way, my mourning continues, not just for the loss of Mom, but also for the other losses and disappointments that have come this year, however I have yet to cry.
