There is at home just my partner, my cat, and I, yet I find it impossible to resist the lure of shopping in bulk. In my freezer at home are two five-pound whole chickens, a nine-pound duck, and several multi-pound hunks of porcine flesh from my previous trip here just five days hence.
I think to myself, while placing the thirty-six-roll pack of toilet tissue in the cart, that I should stock up on some bacon and maybe a leg of lamb. En route to the meat section of this mammoth shopping Mecca, I pass and collect several eight-pack cartons of various canned vegetables and soups, several three-pack sets of my favorite pasta sauces, and eight pounds of pasta. This is naturally followed by a twenty-ounce container of olive oil.
The three-pound bag of "Hint of Lime" tortilla chips wouldn't be complete without the twenty-four-ounce jars of both salsa and queso dip.
I have no plans for any of these purchases, but find it hard, nay impossible, to resist such temptation. Maybe, I think to myself, I may decide to have a party and make a mental note to stop at the nearby wine shop for a few cases of wine.
I arrive at the meat section, my overloaded cart straining against the one uncooperative wheel that drags aggressively along the linoleum floor. I take note of the aisles I've passed along the way for other things I may need. Standing among the shrink-wrapped carnage I gaze with wonder and gluttonous admiration at the carnivorous splendor that lies before me. Like a ravenous jackal, and with little thought to unpaid bills at home, I toss a twelve-pound pack of assorted cuts of beef into the cart along with a five-pound leg of lamb, six pounds of bacon, and a seven-pound goose I think I'd like to prepare someday.
I've now left my earthly body and am envisioning the great fete I will prepare for my friends. My abode will be well decorated with all the gourmet accouterments, and a fine collection of classical music will set the mood. I shall prepare a complete brunch, with champagne (I add this to my liquor store list). I'll need assorted mustards and crackers; fruits and bread; pate and so much more that I add to the list. Fortunately, I can procure these, en masse, right here at BJ's along with the two-pound sharp aged Wisconsin cheddar and one-pound wedge of Stilton I meant to pick up earlier. A two-pound container of mixed nuts and also some pistachios will be well received. They find their home next to the eight-pack of imported mustard already in the cart.
I see myself raising my glass in a toast to my good friends, for their long life, good health, and, most of all, hearty appetites. I urge all my attendees to enjoy the bountiful feast that has been prepared in their honor. Truthfully, I'm not certain when I'll have such a soiree as most of my friends are on the busiest of schedules, and I have a lengthy commute to and from work, which affords me little time to prepare the things I love so much to buy, but I just know I shall, someday.
In the end, I present my goods upon the black, sticky, rubber conveyor belt and pay the three hundred plus dollars to the cashier. Struggling with my provisions to my car, I stuff the trunk and back seat with my bounty, being careful to leave room for the spirits that I shall purchase on the way home.
Upon arrival at my abode, my partner spends several minutes shaking his head in disbelief. I, in turn, spend the next thirty minutes rearranging the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets to accommodate the edible newcomers. Reluctantly, I must discard my last journey's supply of uneaten veggie chips, some freezer-burned Italian sausage, an assortment of soggy herbs and vegetables; and some various cheese products which have come to resemble a medical testing laboratory.
My freezer is packed to capacity as I separate my meat purchases into smaller freezer storage bags, I wonder how it will all fit. Knowing I cannot possibly pack all my purchases in the proper kitchen receptacles, I phone a friend and offer him some of my food bounties, informing him I shall stop by his place for a visit after I'm finished unpacking. He tells me he needs to go to Target and then Home Depot and I agree to drive us there. I am looking forward to it since I need to pick up a few things. TRUE STORY
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